I love kids with a passion I usually reserve for hot cheese, miniature chairs, and Prince concerts, but I feel no stress to reproduce simply because of a fear of withering eggs. – Olivia Wilde
We get the kids question A LOT and I love this quote from Olivia – she captures the sentiment pretty well if you ask me. With lots and lots and lots of talk about biological clocks and a woman’s age and fertility [which oftentimes comes up with near or perfect strangers, never ceasing to boggle the mind], can we just all agree that we are collectively tired of talking about it?! The way the conversation almost always goes for me is this: Are you married? [yes.] Do you have kids? [no.] How long have you been married? [3.5 years] How old are you? [Oh, early thirties.] When are you going to have kids? [Not sure – vague next few years reference.] Don’t worry, you have time. [Ok, thanks perfect stranger for that reassurance] or Oh, if you want to have more than one, you should think about getting started – you never know how long it will take [stranger then launches into stories about all the people they know who have had fertility issues].
Having kids is a personal decision – whether to do it, when to do it, how to do it, how many times to do it. So it should stop being the first or second thing you ask women in their thirties. Here’s why this conversation, the kids question, especially with strangers, is frustrating and frankly, none of your biz-nass.
I’m Not [ONLY] a Baby Maker. I don’t doubt that it is an absolute blessing to have children. As a woman in my early thirties, I am surrounded by babies, new moms and not so new moms. These people are happy with having kids. I hear all the time: “it’s the best thing that ever happened to me, it’s an indescribable feeling, it’s something I never imagined I could feel.” So I get it, or I at least get that these are some of the feelings that one can look forward to when reproducing – and I look forward to feeling exactly this way one day. However, we ladies are not here just for the reproducing. Heir production is an important function for sure, but it just can’t be the end-all-be-all, especially in this day and age when, let’s be honest, this planet of ours is getting just a tad bit crowded. We’ve come a lot further than the view of women as simply reproduction vessels (at least in America … at least in most of America – okay, perhaps in a lot of places we haven’t come that far but let’s pretend for argument’s sake we’ve gotten past that attitude). We members of the “fairer” sex can work outside the home now; we can have our own opinions now; we can vote now; heck we can even be President of the good ole’ U. S. of A now! So the single minded focus on fertility and age and oh, sweetie, you’re getting older is more than a bit outdated and demeaning. We as human beings are so much more than any single part of our lives, and that includes the role of mom, as amazing as it may be.
What if I Didn’t Want to Have Kids? There are plenty of people who choose not to have kids. How annoying it must be to spend their lives explaining their decision not to reproduce. Who’s business is that anyway? For me, sure – I’m pretty sure want to have kids. But I find it frustrating that that comes as a bit of a relief to other people. Why is it that some women don’t feel like they are enough of a woman if they haven’t had kids? Well I’d say it’s because we as a society make them feel that way. Shame on us. Let’s all stop imposing our own view of the way that life should be lived on everyone else. So much harder said than done, I agree, but hey – let’s give it a shot.
What if I’ve Been Trying to Have Kids for Years and it Just Isn’t Working? This has happened to more than a few friends of mine, and it pains me so much to see them having to put on a happy face, a smile to hide their pain, to watch them having to pretend that they just aren’t ready for kids yet, or really they only wanted one child, when in fact they’ve maybe had a couple of miscarriages, maybe had a number of rounds of IVF that haven’t taken, maybe sat through hours and hours and hours of doctors’ appointments, counseling sessions, hormone injections. So even if people are trying to be well meaning with their jokes about “getting a little older”, “time’s-a-ticking”, “your little angel wants a sibling” – let’s not. We simply don’t know what battles other people may be facing.
You Do You and Let Others Do Them. Let’s be compassionate even if it doesn’t seem necessary, and stop butting into other people’s business, particularly about such a personal decision. I’m sure having kids will be one of the best things that ever happens to me, but it doesn’t have to be THE BEST or THE ONLY thing that ever happens to me or to you or to any woman out there. It seems to me that we can be good moms and still be pretty darn happy with the other things that we do and have done and will do in our lifetimes. Shouldn’t it be okay to be a person first, and a mom second? Sometimes I wonder about this, given the pressure and judgment and baggage that we pile on our friends and coworkers, strangers and family members who have kids. It seems to me that a woman is damned if she does, damned if she doesn’t – shamed for exiting the workforce for her kids, shamed for continuing to work after having kids, shamed for breastfeeding in public, shamed for not breastfeeding, shamed for not having kids, shamed for having too many kids. It’s exhausting. And unnecessary.
I’ll Get to it When I’m Good and Ready. THANKS. While I don’t know the exact risks that I’m taking by waiting to have kids (because I can look up statistics, sure, but it’s impossible to know exactly how those stats will actually apply personally), I can say with absolute certainty the risks that would have arisen by having kids earlier than when I was ready – and this is just me, each and every woman will feel differently about when and how to have kids, and that’s the entire point of this post. For me, there is the risk that I would have lost myself in my role as a mother because I hadn’t yet figured out who I was as a woman; the risk that I would look back on my life and wish I had done things differently – wish perhaps that I had prioritized my career or my marriage or myself for a bit before giving over my life to new totally dependent little beings; the risk that I wouldn’t be able to provide properly for my children because I hadn’t yet figured out how to provide for myself – all important things for me to personally get under my belt before I’ve got little humans looking to me for love, support and a worldly existence.
Having kids changes your entire life, every aspect of your life, every relationship that you have, every single day of your life forever. So it’s not something that we should be pestering every thirty-something woman about. Perhaps we can stop stressing ladies to reproduce because of withering eggs, as Olivia put it.
BY Jackie
BLOGGED FROM Vancouver Island, Canada
